Can somebody have a life crisis at just 26 years old?

Long story short, back in my hometown I’ve never felt like I belonged there. I’ve always felt like something was missing, probably it was the fact that I’ve never truly done something for myself and myself only.

Then I decided to run away from those responsibilities and problems that a 20 years old can have and I moved to another country, where the language was a bigger barrier that I thought it would be. Even if English as always been my favourite subject back in high school (and the only year of university that I did), I was used to American accent (because of movies and tv shows) not about British accent. (Very big difference)
Anyway I overcome that language barrier and I made some of the best friends that I could ever met. Some of them I lost them in time, others stick around longer.
But the thing is, I was 21 and I felt like I was living! Even through heartbreaks and fights, through tick and thin, I had the best time of my life till I was 23. That year I felt like my all world went through a big black hole and it took me longer than I thought to recover. But I did.

Then I focus all my energy in a work that, at the end, consumed me and made me become somebody I wasn’t. So I had to change that. 

During that time, while I was trying to recover, I tried to focus on my future (I was 24 back then) and I saw all my dream shuttering down in small pieces that still, til now, I couldn’t/can’t recover.

My only big dream is secure in a locker of my mind and I have no idea where I put the key.
But now I am 26 and after almost 5 years that I took that big jump in my life, I feel like I have no clue what my life should be. 
And I know mainly the problem is that I’ve abandoned my big dream, plus you see all those people that you grew with, that seems to have life figure out somehow, or at least they have SOMETHING!!! 
And I am well aware that if you want something for yourself, you have to work your ass off. 

I do know that.

Trust me, I do more than a lot of people think.

But how do you come back to want to pursue a dream when you are closer to 30 and people will think that you will have your life figure out by then? I mean, I know in 4 year a lot can change. I believe in a minute a lot can change.

But at the end of the day, I am at a loss.

So I have to promise to myself that I don’t have to wait “the new year” that something can change now, right?
So my question is: is it possible to have a mid-mid-life crisis?

Francesca

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20 things about me

Hello beautiful people,

last week I was tagged by a friend of mine on Instagram with “20 things about you” well, that’s self-explanatory.
So these are my 20 things:

1- I am a nerd 100%

2- I smile even when I am feeling awful

3- I don’t care about people but at the same time I would give a kidney to one of my friends if they will ask me

4- my favourite colour is Black! Like, my soul 😂

5- I am really shy even if it doesn’t seem like

6- Everybody thinks that Taylor Swift is my favourite singer in the whole world (and you are #2 Tay) but actually my favourite singer is Bethany Joy Lenz

7- I went to a concert alone and it was great

8- I’ve decided that this year I will face all the problems that I didn’t face in the past 1 year and half

9- “A walk to remember” is my favourite movie and book

10- I am trying to write a book since three years but still need to finish the first chapter

11- my favourite tv shows of all time are: One Tree Hill, Buffy TVS, Charmed, The OC, Smallville and Gilmore Girls

12- I own a lot of box sets

13- I love photography, graphic and I used to make videos a lot! Like 3 per weeks or two per day and I miss it so much

14- 2014 is known for being one of my worst years ever and if it wasn’t for the song “All too well” by Taylor Swift, I don’t know where I’ll be now

15- I’ve been an independent person for more than 10+ years and I feel like I don’t need anyone

16- I am a cat person (I love dogs too) and I miss my cat a lot

17- I have already a friend that I can call “old friend” since we know each other since we were 11. And we talk to each other every day, it’s like crazy lol it’s been 4 years that I left my hometown and still we talk EVERY FREAKING  DAY lol Love  you Ele.

18- I wanna make 2017 MY YEAR!

19- I’ve been single for a long time 😅still not feeling the need of having that person

20- I feel like I have to post something similar to what Megan posted, I did go through depression a few times and when I was 18/19 I went to a therapist for a few months. Still having anxiety on a regular basis but you gotta keep going, don’t you? 😉

So now I tag all the people that will see this post.

Have fun,

Francesca

Special Edition: 4 years in London

On the 15th October of 2012, I’ve taken a plane without knowing what I’d expect from my life after I’d have landed. Well, here I am after 4 years thinking about which good things happened to me, while in the meantime, people that surround me, seems to have it all figure it out.

The first year: I gave my heart to someone without thinking about any consequences. And even if that person wasn’t feeling the same way towards me, still I don’t regret it. Cause it made me feel alive more than I’ve ever been. And I met friends that would stay with me forever, I know if I need them they’ll be there and vice-versa

The second year: I fell in love, or at least I think I was. I had my first boyfriend for two long months where we were seeing each other every day. So it seemed more than 2 months. I thought I had everything that I needed in life.

The third year: I had my first really bad heartbreak following depression. Because one bad thing was happening after another one, it was like a chain. And you know when they say “you truly know who your good friends are when you need them the most”? Well, that’s so true. That year I’ve lost friends and myself. And at the same time, I found myself and got back together and started a new life.

Fourth year: God, focusing on myself too much made me close myself into a little FraBubble. Nobody pop it yet, I’ve been trying from inside to pop it but..nope. And they’ve been trying from outside but..nope.

I guess when you see all your friends that seem to have it figure out it’s a bit hard to you. Or just that they don’t take life so seriously.

Let’s do a pro/con list (like Rory Gilmore would do) :

PRO:

  • I was 21 and I left my family to go live by myself
  • I can provide food and shoes to myself
  • I can do all different jobs and pretty good most of the time
  • People still come to me for pieces of advice
  • My parents seem to be proud of me
  • I’ve made so many friends from all around the world
  • I’ve had my first boyfriend (YES late bloomer whatever)
  • I’ve had more experience that I could have done if I’d have stayed
  • I am and independent woman that doesn’t need to depend on anyone
  • I make my own decisions and take risks when I know I have to
  • I’ve tried more than anything to be close to my family and friends when I had to
  • I am honest, way too honest and I learned that sometimes people don’t take that honesty.
  • I’ve fulfilled some of my biggest dreams: meet OTH cast, see Taylor Swift live, go to LA.
  • I’ve grown up more than I’d thought I would
  • Cherish the friendship that latest all 4 years and growth every year more

CON:

  • I feel like I’ve lost more than I gained
  • I’ve got into depression twice
  • I felt like shit about myself because of the voices outside (people) and inside my head
  • I’ve closed myself in a little bubble that’s really comforting and nobody can get in
  • No love of my life
  • No job of my life
  • No life at all, living like a granny (sleep 21:30 wake up 4:30)
  • Feeling lonely sometimes
  • Feeling like no one understands what I am going through
  • Losing myself
  • BAD LUCK

At the end, I guess I’d have to focus more on the journey rather than on the end of it or how it started.

Things to do when you’re having a sh–y day..afternoon version

  1. TAKE YOUR PHONE AND PUT THE HEADPHONES ON
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  2. TALK TO THAT PERSON THAT YOU KNOW WILL CLEAR YOUR HEAD OR PUT THAT SONG IN REPEAT THAT YOU KNOW WILL CLEAR YOUR HEAD
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  3. TAKE ONE HOUR LONG WALK, PREFERABLY NEXT TO A PARK OR LAKE OR SEA
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  4. CRY YOUR EYES OUT IF YOU CAN
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  5. AND THEN (UNFORTUNATELY) YOU GOTTA SUCK IT UP. CAUSE LIFE IS LIKE BEING IN A CONTINUOUS SCARY ROLLERCOASTER THAT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT AND THEN GOOD.
    FullSizeRender 4.jpgThere you go, after that, you’ll still feel like sh-t but the day after everything will start to seem better!Best,
    Francesca

The singer that helped me to feel.

It was back in 2007 when a music video called “Teardrops of my guitar” had starring one of the actor from my favorite tv show ever. At that time, I couldn’t imagine that the singer would have changed my complete life after that.

Straight after that song came out, one of my classmate of that time suggested me to listen to a song called “Our song” and I knew already that song because the fact that THAT singer was a fan of my favorite tv show made me already a fan of her. Even if she was blonde. And it was a time that I didn’t like blonde girls (and I became one some year after!).IMG_5823

Well, if you still didn’t get it, the singer was the amazing human being that is Taylor Swift.

Yesterday, it was Taylor’s birthday. Her magic number 13, that somehow, it became a lucky number for me too.

AIMG_5943 lot of people don’t like her and don’t understand why is she so popular because she doesn’t have a strong voice or she is too skinny or she is a kid because she sings only about her ex boyfriends. Well, that’s just general knowledge that media likes to talk about.

If you just will give her a try and understand her true story, you may understand a lot about that ex girlfriend of yours that broke your heart or actually what you did to her when you decided to cheat on her.

But Taylor doesn’t sings only about this, she wrote a song for a kid that died of cancer, she goes to visit fans in hospitals and sings with them, she writes about having fun and be yourself because there is nothing wrong in that. She writes about being that shy dork that can’t take the courage to say to a guy that she likes him.

Taylor saved me a lot, especially in the past year. She was the only thing that I was holding on to. She was the one that made me understand that it’s right to feel a lot.

IMG_5855Taylor just writes everybody story.

She reminds you about being Fifteen and believe so much in love that you are too naive to understand when it’s not real.

And then when you thought that you had the first real Love Story but he was only playing with you and he just liked the attention. But you are so in love with love that you are just waiting for someone to show up on The Other Side of The Door.
Taylor taught us that it’s normal to have a crush on a Superstar and don’t be ashamed of it, instead sing to him and scream his name, even if you are just a normal girl.

More time pass, more I relate to her, and I feel like we are both experiencing the same thing. Especially when you just believe so much in someone, when you are just 100% yourself and they leave you behind and all that you are left with are the memories that you remember All Too Well. And even if you thought at that time that it would have last Forever And Always, you are just left with a broken heart.

But then you have that moment when you understand that they are just another Picture To Burn and that you have to pick up all the pieces and Begin Again.

And when they reach back to you, you just have to let them know that “All You Had To Do Was Stay”.

Tay made me realize how much I love simply a month of the year and all I wanna do is gIMG_5910o Back To December all the time because something amazing always happens. But especially she taught me that people will always be Mean and the only way to get over them it’s to Shake It Off because if you get angry, you just waste a lot of energy that you can use in something else. Something better.

Well, I can just say: Thank you Taylor. I saw you twice and it was a great experience both of times. I just wished I could have actually talked to you and make you understand that I don’t feel like a normal fan but that I actually understand your real message in a lot of songs.

I wish I could see you the next year too but I don’t think I’ll be able to.

I hope you had The Best Day yesterday,

Love,
Francesca

Franc    esca

Two years: but I still be standing

Today, it’s the annyversary of two years that I am in London. Two years that seems a lifetime to me.

I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I fell in love (twice) and I had a broken heart (twice).
I’ve met person that now I can’t imagine without in my life and I’ve lost people that I never thought would have left me.
I’ve learned how to deal a lost from far away and anyway being close to your family when they need you.
I’ve learned how to be close to my family, like I’ve never had done before.
I’ve learned how being alone it’s not a bad thing but it’s the best thing that could have happen to me. I’ve found a strenght that I never thought I had.

London has been and it is my best and worst experience.
I miss my family everyday but I still wouldn’t come back there.

Here I’ve learned how people judge you not only from how you look but even from who you hang out with, like you have to be like them, but I’ve learned even that there are people that when they know you, they don’t care who are your friends as long as you are there for them.

Especially last year, I said and I repeat that I think that 2014 was the worst year (or at least in the top 5 of the worst years of my life lol) but right now, in this moment, I can say that I am actually thankful to every single person that screwed up with me.
Because without them deciding to disappear from my life from one day to another, I won’t be here, feeling so confident in my self and in my decisions in my life. Yes, I am a cold hearted bitch, and I’ll probably will be for a long time but I’ve never said to myself “hey you know? You are not that ugly. You don’t have the perfect body or face or hair or whatever but you are strong and indipendent. And after what you’ve been throught all your life, you are still here. Yes, people left you because they couldn’t handle your character but think about the one that stayed, no matter what! The one that called you when you needed them. The one that were there even if you wanted to be alone and push them away.”

If you would have asked me two year ago where I would be now, I would had no clue but I would never thought that I’d be here, and with this new person that I am.
I am not perfect, I’d never think that I am, I’d never think that I am better than anybody. But I am freaking happy even if I am spending days alone. And feel lonely. I am still happy of what I am, and what I have achieved in the past years.
Next stop would be start to do something for what I really wanna do in my future!

My family believes in me, my friends believes in me and I have to believe in me. I can do it.

No London, I am still not leaving you.

Xoxo
“Francesca the Londoners”

“So many things
To do and say
But I can’t seem
To find my way
But I wanna know how
I know
I’m meant
For something else
But first
I gotta find myself
But I don’t know how to
Oh, why do
I reach for the stars
When I don’t have wings
To carry me that far?
I gotta have
Roots before branches
To know who I am
Before I know
Who I wanna be
And faith
To take chances
To live like I see
A place in this world
For me”

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I remember it all too well..

I am probably gonna do a lot of posts about music but today I was walking in the underground and, as I am doing since the 1st of January, I was listening to “All too well” by Taylor Swift.

I don’t wanna get lost talking about 2014, because it’s been pretty sh–I mean rough and right now I wanna focus more about how.. this song helped me to get through these past months.

And no, I am not gonna talk about how people criticise one of the best songwriter that we have at the moment, because everybody need to think whatever they want, BUT I will talk to them too. You should, not even listen, read the lyrics of this song and then let me know if you really think that you can’t see yourself in the story of this song.

Anyway, let’s start with the post, shall we?

I went to Taylor’s concert the 10th February, and even if I was really far from the stage that I couldn’t even see her, it was one of the best concert ever. And when she sung this song, god, everybody was feeling what she was feeling: anger, sadness, acceptance that she couldn’t forget that person. Yeah, practically the stages of grief.

After that concert, I was literally, listening the song every single day, because I needed it. Because I was having panic attack, because I needed something for moving on. (I hope for you to never have a panic attack in the middle of the night. It’s one of the most awful thing that I’ve ever experienced! More than one time.)

You will probably be confused now. Or you’ll think, c’mon girl, you are so sad. Well, keep reading please, I’ll explain you with the lyrics why I love this song.

“I walked through the door with you, the air was cold,
But something ’bout it felt like home somehow.”

If you ever been with someone you know what this means. Everytime you are with that person, you feel good about yourself, you feel strong, and especially if you are far from home, you feel like you are not alone.

“And I know it’s long gone,IMG_5829 copy copy
And that magic’s not here no more,
And I might be okay,
But I’m not fine at all.”

After a while, months, that you are not with someone, the hope is gone, you have to be strong and move on. But, at the beginning, you’ll find yourself to think that you are okay, but at the end of the day, you’ll know, that you just lied to yourself.

“You tell me ’bout your past, thinking your future was me.”

That’s one of the worst feelings. When someone makes you believe that he\she actually wanna be with you, in the next months, in the next year but then everything just end. Without a reason and you feel like did they tell you a lie? did they really mean what they said?
Well if you had the answers, you are lucky.

“And I know it’s long gone
And there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to…”

One bad thing that happens, when you were making plans about what you wanted to be or what you wanted to do, that in the moment you lose the person that you wanted to do all the things with, you are just numb. And when you try to forget that person, you start to forget yourself too. You don’t remember who you are, who can you trust, what do you really want and need.

“‘Cause there we are again in the middle of the night.
We dance around the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well, yeah.”

Another “not nice” thing at the beginning, when you are really trying to move on, it’s when you have flashbacks of the good moments that you know, you’ll never have again (yes, you will have them. You’ll realise this later on.)
These flashbacks are the worst because your mind is tricky. Your mind wakes you up in the middle of the night and makes you cry because you realise that what you thought it was a nightmare it’s actually the reality. (and there’s the panic attack. Real story guys!)

Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much,
And maybe this thing was a masterpiece ’til you tore it all up.
Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well.”

This is the bridge of the song, in fact I love it, it’s just the moment when you are pissed off with that person, because it’s just tore you apart and you think that you will never forget that you will never get over it. You think that it’s your fault if it ended, even if you didn’t do anything. You’ll blame yourself for a lot of things. Just because while you are in pieces, that person seems perfectly fine.

“Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it
I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it”IMG_5873 copy

I am just looking at the screen of my MacBook now, thinking about the perfect words to explain this part of the song but.. the fact is that I am still trying to find my old self again. This is me now. Just looking at my screen and writing what I think you all should do. Don’t make my mistake. As much as you wanna close yourself alone and don’t trust anybody. Don’t do it. You will lose a lot of moments and friendship. Just stay close to the one that really loves you. Don’t tell me that you need to get over it by yourself, that you need to be strong. Because no one is, really, fully strong.

I think that everybody reacts in different ways, it’s not the end of the world, there are things that are worst than this. Trust me, I know. I am just saying, you’ll see who’s really your friend when you need them the most.

“and I walk home alone”

Oh, this. I remember..all too well. This part of the song made me cry for ages. Because it was actually real for me. Too real. And I remember actually that my mind, at some point, was shutting out this part of the song. It was way too much.

“I was there, I remember it all too well”

Advice: you should listen all the song. Live. And read all the lyrics.

I fell in love with “All too well” more after the concert, just because of the speech before she sung it. The day after, I’ve actually looked for any videos from the night before, only for this song. I needed that speech. And I’ve found a video, and after I’ve listened it for a few times, I’ve decided to write it down.

I remember that all the 02 arena was just so silent when she was talking, and we all had chills at the end.

And like I said in my first post, I’ve grew up with this song, and still, after 6 months, I am listening to it, and now I smile because, even if I remember everything, I am not sad. (maybe still a bit angry, but if you’ll know, you’ll say, how can you not be?)

If you are living something like this now, it means that THAT person, it’s not worth it. You’ll find someone better. If there is something that I say to myself since I was a child (no is not “you are gonna meet prince charming”) I think that everybody is destined to be with somebody sooner or later.

Best,

Francesca

“If I’m writing a song in the middle of the night, chances are it’s either because there’s something that I haven’t said to someone that I really need to, or the number one reason is that I’m trying to forget someone. And if you’ve ever tried to forget someone, it’s impossible to try to forget someone ’cause it just happens over time. There’s nothing you can really do to make it better and when I tried to write this song, it was to forget someone and all I ended up doing was writing a song about how everything about him, I remembered it all too well, you know?”