“When did we start letting boys dictate our happiness?”

“When did we start letting boys dictate our happiness?”


Everything started I guess in primary school, I had my first boyfriend, if that’s how we can call it. But he cheated on me with my best friend during a gym class. So I had a pretty bad start with relationship, not like I am still thinking about that specific moment, I barely remember, I was way to little. Don’t even remember if we actually were together but the general plot is that one.

Anyway, for all my first 13/14 years of my life, I was kind of a boy-girl. Didn’t care about make up, didn’t care about dressing nice or wear the right shoes. For me going to school with a ponytail and gym suit was fine. Not a problem at all. Of course, I’ve been bullied because of that. Especially from boys. But I wasn’t scared of reacting, in fact that brought me to the principal office, first and only time in my life.

But it was when I was 14/15, when I was going to my first year in high school, that I started to like this guy. He wasn’t even going to school with me, he was from my group of friends. It was that guy that I knew from when I was little but I’ve never saw like more than a friend. Well, long story short, I liked him, probably fell in love with him, (yes, I think it’s possible to love someone even if you are not together) but he didn’t feel the same way. He thought that I was just a friend. And there it is my first “friendzone” situation.

Let’s skip all the drama moment that I had, when I was 16 and I thought that writing a blog and say bad things about that person was a cool thing to do and let my friends do it for me too. I was little, hurt, and didn’t know much about boys (not that I am a expert now!)

Well, for getting over this guys took me 2 year, plus the 2 years chasing him, let’s say that I waste a lot of time looking only him, for me there was no other boy that could have been like him. large

Of course, during the two years that I spent trying to get over him, I had liked other guys, but one of them push me in the friendzone, even if he was flirty all the time. And the other, let’s say, that we went to a date and it lasted an hour. This can explain everything to you.

After those years, I’ve had two other crushes but I was too scared to tell them. Especially to one. (I still fancy him!)

My life went on and as much as my focus wasn’t only on boys, I was wasting load of time and energy on chasing them. When they never wanted me.

Then I’ve moved to London, to the rain city, to the city that never sleep. I thought that I’d have leave all my boys problems there, all my insecurity back to my home city, but they just showed up in the first moment that I liked a guy.

It took me 3 weeks and I had already this big, huge crush on this guy. He became one of my best friend too (till he left!), he was everything that I was looking for. And we were really close, that people thought that he felt the same way but when I confronted him, he, of course, rejected me.

He kept acting like more than a friend which it was confusing for me and at the end he just left, disappeared from my life. We kept in touch for a few months and then gone.

After him, I was bad, I was really frustrated. So I moved, I changed place of work and I’ve begin again.

It took me a few months to fell for another guy that this time tho, liked me back, or that’s what he made me think for two months. I was really happy, I felt great about myself, even if I’ve always felt like there was something wrong, in fact he ended things unexpected.large-3

This happened with the start of the new year and the rest of it was really bad. Not only because of him, but that’s what I let a lot of people think. Because I don’t trust them enough to say what’s the real problem.

Let’s not get out of the point as always.

After that I felt like a 10000 cars pass me over. Or trains. Or whatever. I felt like shit. I felt hopeless, like I would never ever like somebody.

But I’ve changed job again and a new place, new people, I fell for a customer. He is the perfect guy. And when I’ve gave him my number, he didn’t do anything. Now, I am gonna start in a new store as a supervisor so I won’t see him again.

I’ve realise something, I’ve spent so much time, waiting, chasing, wanting guys that used me or didn’t want me.

I am tired to waste all this time. People says that you need the other person because you are gonna be alone without.

Well, they are wrong, yes, it’ll be lonely sometimes, especially when all your girlfriends have a boyfriend but I am not alone, I’ve got my family, my friends and most important I have me.large-2

Why should I waste time looking for that perfect love that more you look for it more it won’t come? Why should I keep crying because I’ve actually tried?

I have to start to focus on myself and my future. If meanwhile, that guy that wants me will come along, I am gonna be happy to try. But I am done with chasing. I am really tired about that. Gotta focus on other things. Things that I didn’t focus on in the past 9/10 years.



“We’re all bored, we’re all so tired of everything
We wait for trains that just aren’t coming
We show off our different scarlet letters
Trust me, mine is better

We’re so young but we’re on the road to ruin
We play dumb but we know exactly what we’re doing
We cry tears of mascara in the bathroom
Honey, life is just a classroom”

[Taylor Swift]


I remember it all too well..

I am probably gonna do a lot of posts about music but today I was walking in the underground and, as I am doing since the 1st of January, I was listening to “All too well” by Taylor Swift.

I don’t wanna get lost talking about 2014, because it’s been pretty sh–I mean rough and right now I wanna focus more about how.. this song helped me to get through these past months.

And no, I am not gonna talk about how people criticise one of the best songwriter that we have at the moment, because everybody need to think whatever they want, BUT I will talk to them too. You should, not even listen, read the lyrics of this song and then let me know if you really think that you can’t see yourself in the story of this song.

Anyway, let’s start with the post, shall we?

I went to Taylor’s concert the 10th February, and even if I was really far from the stage that I couldn’t even see her, it was one of the best concert ever. And when she sung this song, god, everybody was feeling what she was feeling: anger, sadness, acceptance that she couldn’t forget that person. Yeah, practically the stages of grief.

After that concert, I was literally, listening the song every single day, because I needed it. Because I was having panic attack, because I needed something for moving on. (I hope for you to never have a panic attack in the middle of the night. It’s one of the most awful thing that I’ve ever experienced! More than one time.)

You will probably be confused now. Or you’ll think, c’mon girl, you are so sad. Well, keep reading please, I’ll explain you with the lyrics why I love this song.

“I walked through the door with you, the air was cold,
But something ’bout it felt like home somehow.”

If you ever been with someone you know what this means. Everytime you are with that person, you feel good about yourself, you feel strong, and especially if you are far from home, you feel like you are not alone.

“And I know it’s long gone,IMG_5829 copy copy
And that magic’s not here no more,
And I might be okay,
But I’m not fine at all.”

After a while, months, that you are not with someone, the hope is gone, you have to be strong and move on. But, at the beginning, you’ll find yourself to think that you are okay, but at the end of the day, you’ll know, that you just lied to yourself.

“You tell me ’bout your past, thinking your future was me.”

That’s one of the worst feelings. When someone makes you believe that he\she actually wanna be with you, in the next months, in the next year but then everything just end. Without a reason and you feel like did they tell you a lie? did they really mean what they said?
Well if you had the answers, you are lucky.

“And I know it’s long gone
And there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to…”

One bad thing that happens, when you were making plans about what you wanted to be or what you wanted to do, that in the moment you lose the person that you wanted to do all the things with, you are just numb. And when you try to forget that person, you start to forget yourself too. You don’t remember who you are, who can you trust, what do you really want and need.

“‘Cause there we are again in the middle of the night.
We dance around the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well, yeah.”

Another “not nice” thing at the beginning, when you are really trying to move on, it’s when you have flashbacks of the good moments that you know, you’ll never have again (yes, you will have them. You’ll realise this later on.)
These flashbacks are the worst because your mind is tricky. Your mind wakes you up in the middle of the night and makes you cry because you realise that what you thought it was a nightmare it’s actually the reality. (and there’s the panic attack. Real story guys!)

Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much,
And maybe this thing was a masterpiece ’til you tore it all up.
Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well.”

This is the bridge of the song, in fact I love it, it’s just the moment when you are pissed off with that person, because it’s just tore you apart and you think that you will never forget that you will never get over it. You think that it’s your fault if it ended, even if you didn’t do anything. You’ll blame yourself for a lot of things. Just because while you are in pieces, that person seems perfectly fine.

“Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it
I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it”IMG_5873 copy

I am just looking at the screen of my MacBook now, thinking about the perfect words to explain this part of the song but.. the fact is that I am still trying to find my old self again. This is me now. Just looking at my screen and writing what I think you all should do. Don’t make my mistake. As much as you wanna close yourself alone and don’t trust anybody. Don’t do it. You will lose a lot of moments and friendship. Just stay close to the one that really loves you. Don’t tell me that you need to get over it by yourself, that you need to be strong. Because no one is, really, fully strong.

I think that everybody reacts in different ways, it’s not the end of the world, there are things that are worst than this. Trust me, I know. I am just saying, you’ll see who’s really your friend when you need them the most.

“and I walk home alone”

Oh, this. I remember..all too well. This part of the song made me cry for ages. Because it was actually real for me. Too real. And I remember actually that my mind, at some point, was shutting out this part of the song. It was way too much.

“I was there, I remember it all too well”

Advice: you should listen all the song. Live. And read all the lyrics.

I fell in love with “All too well” more after the concert, just because of the speech before she sung it. The day after, I’ve actually looked for any videos from the night before, only for this song. I needed that speech. And I’ve found a video, and after I’ve listened it for a few times, I’ve decided to write it down.

I remember that all the 02 arena was just so silent when she was talking, and we all had chills at the end.

And like I said in my first post, I’ve grew up with this song, and still, after 6 months, I am listening to it, and now I smile because, even if I remember everything, I am not sad. (maybe still a bit angry, but if you’ll know, you’ll say, how can you not be?)

If you are living something like this now, it means that THAT person, it’s not worth it. You’ll find someone better. If there is something that I say to myself since I was a child (no is not “you are gonna meet prince charming”) I think that everybody is destined to be with somebody sooner or later.



“If I’m writing a song in the middle of the night, chances are it’s either because there’s something that I haven’t said to someone that I really need to, or the number one reason is that I’m trying to forget someone. And if you’ve ever tried to forget someone, it’s impossible to try to forget someone ’cause it just happens over time. There’s nothing you can really do to make it better and when I tried to write this song, it was to forget someone and all I ended up doing was writing a song about how everything about him, I remembered it all too well, you know?”