Can somebody have a life crisis at just 26 years old?

Long story short, back in my hometown I’ve never felt like I belonged there. I’ve always felt like something was missing, probably it was the fact that I’ve never truly done something for myself and myself only.

Then I decided to run away from those responsibilities and problems that a 20 years old can have and I moved to another country, where the language was a bigger barrier that I thought it would be. Even if English as always been my favourite subject back in high school (and the only year of university that I did), I was used to American accent (because of movies and tv shows) not about British accent. (Very big difference)
Anyway I overcome that language barrier and I made some of the best friends that I could ever met. Some of them I lost them in time, others stick around longer.
But the thing is, I was 21 and I felt like I was living! Even through heartbreaks and fights, through tick and thin, I had the best time of my life till I was 23. That year I felt like my all world went through a big black hole and it took me longer than I thought to recover. But I did.

Then I focus all my energy in a work that, at the end, consumed me and made me become somebody I wasn’t. So I had to change that. 

During that time, while I was trying to recover, I tried to focus on my future (I was 24 back then) and I saw all my dream shuttering down in small pieces that still, til now, I couldn’t/can’t recover.

My only big dream is secure in a locker of my mind and I have no idea where I put the key.
But now I am 26 and after almost 5 years that I took that big jump in my life, I feel like I have no clue what my life should be. 
And I know mainly the problem is that I’ve abandoned my big dream, plus you see all those people that you grew with, that seems to have life figure out somehow, or at least they have SOMETHING!!! 
And I am well aware that if you want something for yourself, you have to work your ass off. 

I do know that.

Trust me, I do more than a lot of people think.

But how do you come back to want to pursue a dream when you are closer to 30 and people will think that you will have your life figure out by then? I mean, I know in 4 year a lot can change. I believe in a minute a lot can change.

But at the end of the day, I am at a loss.

So I have to promise to myself that I don’t have to wait “the new year” that something can change now, right?
So my question is: is it possible to have a mid-mid-life crisis?

Francesca

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How do you start to love yourself?

I’ve been told that I need to love myself more. I’ve been repeated from people, billion of times, that I am worth more of what I think I really am worth. And maybe that’s true but how do I even know how to start to love myself. How should it work? Shall I just focus on what I do good and don’t focus on what I do bad? On the things that I achieve rather than the ones that I fail in?

This is what I was writing about it in this kind of journal that I have, after I’ve noticed that I didn’t write since February, I’ve taken a pen and started to write feelings out because I was feeling bad after a few weird days and words started to flow and from one page I wrote three full pages and from one subject to another, I ended up to talk about how I don’t know what should I do to love myself. Is this sad? Yes, I know. I’ve spent so much time disliking everything about me, from my body to my mind, from my weakness to my strength that I don’t remember when it was last time that I actually said to myself “hey you are cool”.

I always put others before me and this is what I am, I prefer others happiness rather than mine. If my friends and family are happy I don’t mind if I am depressed and hate myself. “Hate” is a big word. I don’t know if I really do hate myself, but for sure I am not happy but why? That’s what I wonder and I have a long list of reasons. I won’t bother you with those.

So what are the steps of starting to love yourself? Repeating in the mirror “you’re fabulous?”. (well I won’t do that)

We live in the era of social media and trust me I hate it, as much as I use it like a crazy person, I HATE IT. I’ve been thinking to get rid of all of them and I might be crazy enough to do it one of these days because at the end of the day we all scroll through other people’s fictional life (nobody posts their real life) and we all think what we are doing wrong with ours.

I’ve searched on Google, how to learn to love yourself, I am not ashamed of it, I need to start somehow but honestly, it doesn’t help does it? Most of the points are “eliminate negative thoughts”, well if it was that easy I won’t be looking on the internet, won’t I?

So, for whoever is reading this blog, I know I’ve been gone for a long time, please share your stories and tell me. I am willing to learn because things need to change around here and I hope this will help someone else who feels stuck like I do.

Sophia Bush said this past weekend “Self-love is not selfish”, well that’s a lesson that I need to learn for sure.

Best,

Francesca

Script: Bus Scene

So let me give a bit of introduction to this: a few years ago, I took a Director’s course and we had a class about scripts and how to write them right etc. I left the class and I was straight away inspired, I wanted to write about something that I had in my mind for a long time and that I thought if I would have written it down, it would have changed the way I was feeling. So, this is called “Bus scene”, I would love to hear comments about it since it’s kinda personal and if you more or less wanna know what happened before this scene and after, maybe I’ll find the right inspiration to continue to write my story.

So well, hope you’ll like it. I remind you that NO ONE ever read this.

Out. Bus station. Late night.

Joy is with her two friends Sophie and Laurel waiting for the bus to come up. Even if she waited for Ben to leave, she finds him at the stations with another girl, so she hides behind the seats so that he won’t see her and her friends are with her.

JOY

Let’s stay here till he’ll get the bus.

Sophie nod. Joy can’t stop looking at him.

SOPHIE

if you keep staring he will notice you.

Joy looked at Sophie furious about him, at the same time their bus approaches the station so they move forward to get it but the bus doesn’t stop and keeps straight.

Ben notice them and smile to Joy. She smiles back.

BEN

Missed it.

JOY

Yeah.

Then she moves to the seats and she sits down, Laurel and Sophie follow her. While she keeps staring him, Joy decides that it was the moment to approach him about their situation.

JOY

I am gonna talk to him

SOPHIE

Do whatever you feel to do, but you can’t keep wondering.

Joy looks at Sophie and then stands up.

LAUREL

Sit down. Don’t waste your breath. He’s not worth it.

Joy sits down again.

SOPHIE

She has to do it, she can’t keep going like this. And he is not gonna talk.

Joy stands up again. Laurel give her a bad look and then turn to look at the street. Joy, feeling brave, approaches Ben and interrupts a conversation with the blonde girl.

JOY

Ben, can I talk to you one second?

Ben gives her a caring look and nod.

BEN

Yes, of course.

They move next to the pub, that it was close at that time, behind the bus station. Joy takes a deep breathe and look directly at his eyes.

JOY

You know what do I wanna talk about?

Ben smile becomes concern

BEN

Yeah, I can imagine.

JOY

You know. [she pause] you know how I feel about you. You know. And you make me believe that you feel the same, but I need to be sure about it because you are not doing anything and I can’t wait forever. Do you feel something more?

Ben gives her a sad look

BEN

No- I do care about you but we are just friends. Nothing more.

Joy is hurt but she doesn’t wanna show to him

JOY

I understand.

BEN

I don’t wanna lose you a friend. I really care about you but not in that way.

JOY

Why didn’t you tell me before? Before you mad me believe-before people made me believe..

BEN

Which people?

JOY

Our group, people in the pub.

Joy is still putting a mask to not show him.

BEN

I – I don’t know what to say. I didn’t wanna talk because I was scared to lose you. You are one of my best friends here in London.

Ben looks at her really sad, so she keeps her mask and hugs him.

JOY

It’s fine. You won’t lose me. You are one my best friend too.

BEN

I don’t wanna hurt you.

JOY

Don’t worry about that. I am kinda used to.

Ben smiles and hugs her. She pulls off.

BEN

Are we okay?

Joy nods

JOY

I have to go now. See you tomorrow.

She starts to walk and go back to her friends

BEN

Please don’t hate me, Joy.

She turns to him and fake a smile

JOY

It’s impossible for me to hate you.

She goes back to Sophie and Laurel and sits next to them.

SOPHIE

How did it go?

Joy looks at her and smile while she is trying not to cry

JOY

Let’s go home.

Ben goes back to his friend and turns and smiles at her while his bus is approaching.

Int JOY’S APARTMENT. Late night.

SOPHIE open the door. Joy and Sophie enter.

SOPHIE

You were really brave

JOY in her mind thinks that brave didn’t bring her anywhere. She nods to Sophie. She goes to her room and sits on the bed. She wanted to be alone but her other two flatmates follow her. Brooke and Sam. Both brunette, tall and pretty girls. 20-something years old.

BROOKE

Hey, what happened?

JOY

What always happens.

Sophie looked at Joy and then Brooke

SOPHIE

She talked to Ben

SAM

What did he say?

JOY

That we are just friends. Joy the girl that will always be friendzone.

SOPHIE

Joy!

JOY

That’s fine. I am used to right. Every time I like a guy he doesn’t like me back. It’s always the same old story. I will probably always be alone. I am not meant to be with anyone.

SAM

don’t be so hard on yourself.

BROOKE

He is a dickhead. That’s what he is. He always showed something more and now he says that you are friends. He is an idiot.

Joy smiles a bit.

ThePerksOfTravelling: Week3

Honestly, not much happened this week. I’ve cleaned my phone and deleted more than 4000 pictures!!!!

I’ve did a lot of shopping online tho, I’ve bought a pair of over the knee boots from Zara, a back pack from ASOS and a coat from Stradivarius.

Plus, I sent the present for my dad’s bday that he is not expecting at all. That will be a nice surprise for him, I hope.

For the rest, I’ve worked like crazy (and for that I mean, I’ve got crazy at work!), we finally have the red cups and I’ve found out that they were designed by customers and there is one that I really like with a reindeer. Always talking about work, I am so boring. LOL

Fun fact: I’ve deleted my ex from FB after 3 years. Not that I cared or was stalking him at all, at the beginning was a pride kinda thing but then was a thing more like “you are invisible to me, whatever”.

And then on Wednesday, the election happened and it affected me, a lot. I wrote something about it back on Thursday if you wanna go check it out.

I woke up on Thursday with two texts from two friends “Trump won” and I was like “Am I still sleeping? Is this a nightmare?”. We did such a good progress on empowering women and diversity and equality, and it brought us where? At this awful point? I can’t believe it.

Then working all weekend again,

Francesca

Heartbreaking, Confused, is this the world we live in?

So..I prepared a post the other day that I wanted to post, well, yesterday but after I woke up with the news of the new president of the US, I’ve gotten a bit sad and confused and angry, my post would not have been talking about what I was feeling.

I did want to write yesterday but I was so heartbroken and angry that I wanted to sleep on it first. Well, my feelings didn’t change much from yesterday. Actually, they didn’t change at all. I am super confused about how someone can elect somebody that just is insulting and honestly he is so misogynist and thinks that we still are in the 19th century.

I am speechless, I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if you follow me on twitter too but yesterday I wrote one tweet that truly explains how heartbroken I am:

“America, you’ve always been my dream since I was 6 years old, 24 years later and I feel like, for the first time, I don’t wanna move there.”

I’ve texted one friend of mine, that had this big dream and he told me that he won a VISA to go to America, I mean, I am like heartbroken that for this dream of mine is not gonna happen. Cause I can’t believe that the big country that we all love and look up to became such a dark hole when it was such a light. SO many inspired things happened in that country: Obama was president for 8 years, I still remember the feeling of history when he became president, LGBTQ can legally get married, Bin Laden was caught a few months after Obama became president and more.

And now? People are scared to go outside, how can you be scared to live your life? How can you be scared to be yourself? What did we become?

I am confused, I don’t understand this world that we live in anymore.

What people knows about me is that I’ve NEVER been a lot into politics but I guess you don’t understand truly how important it is until you are working and paying taxes and you have a voice that needs to be listen to.

Hillary’s concession speech made me cry like a baby, her word was so..heartbreaking. We all thought she had it, we all thought no one could have voted for him.

This election will affect all the world, it is affecting me a lot. I had a big dream for so long and now I feel like it’s crushed. I feel like that door has been slammed into my face.

I’ve just watched a video of guy melting down on TV: “Hillary.. women needs you, minorities need you, I need you, Chicago needs you, we all need you, this country needs you.”

It’s just heartbreaking.

Francesca

“And to all the little girls who are watching this, never doubt that you are valuable and powerful and deserving of every chance and opportunity in the world to pursue and to achieve your own dreams.”

THEPERKSOFTRAVELLING: Week 2

And I am on time this week YAYAYAYAY… giphy

Simg_7326o this week didn’t start off well, I got really stressed on Mondayimg_7337 at work that I had a cider in the night and though that my life has got to a point where I am tired of the drama that people brings on a daily basis in my life. Plus, winter is here in London, the temperature dropped completely to 4 degrees.

Then on Tuesday I took a bus to get to Oxford Street but theimg_7356 traffic was INSANE, so I got to Trafalgar Square and I walked, in the rain, till Oxford Street, passing by Leicester Square, Piccadilly Circus and Regent Street. It was cold but I needed to take a walk and clear my head.

img_7376On Wednesday, after a few days of lovely fog, London was sunny
but it was FREEEEEZZZZZINNGGGGG!!! And I did a lovely 10 hrs at work because CHRISTMAS ARRIVED IN STARBUCKS. So we needed to set up and I had to go to other stores and carry heavy stuff.

What I can tell you is that the day after, I could have barely move my leg. It was hurting like hell, see when you stop going to gym?

The weekend was nice, I focused on cleaning the house and img_7489cooking and I watched one of my fav movie: New Year’s Eve. It’s a tradition of mine when the end of the year is coming up, I like to watch this movie. It always reminds me of what I achieved and what I didn’t. Plus, I love the soundtrack of the movie.

img_7391Another thing is that on Saturday, it was Bonfire Night and when you live on the 10th floor of a building you can see a lot of fireworks.

 

And this was my week, finishing on today, working.

See you next Sunday,

Francesca

P.S.: I focused a lot on cooking this week, I made a lot of nice food.

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THEPERKSOFTRAVELLING: Week 1

Sorry guys, I am already late for my first post about the new topic that I created.

From the other side is the last day of the month so what better way to do a recap of this month, shall we?

Nothing major happened apart from having another breakdown about work and deciding at the end to keep it just cause I have to pay bills. I repeat 25 years old and I am already thinking about this.

Anyway, apart from all the bad things that happened and the stress that works gives me on a daily basis.

My cousin and her husband came to visit me for the first time since I moved in here. It was nice but tiring (we walked a lot). I’ve visited restaurants that I didn’t know about and places that I haven’t been to. It was refreshing for once.

And I am honestly the MOST clumsy person on earth, I almost feel down 10 times in one hour. ONE HOUR.

And I met one of the LadyGangers. Finally we are starting all to meet up and we are organising a meet up for Winter Wonderland.

This week I received from my parents a pack from Italy with all nice food. And then today I bought tickets for XMAS! Now I am poor.

See you next Sunday/Monday,

Francesca