Thoughts all over the place #2

Some people are here just to judge. But they don’t know that if I watch myself in the mirror and I don’t hate anymore the face staring at me, it’s a big achievement.

They don’t know that if they start to put me in the center of attention, I’ve learned how to not let my anxiety overcome (not always).

They don’t know that I might feel lonely more than they do.

They don’t know that after 5 years, I still am sometimes overwhelmed on speaking a language that is not mine.

Most of the people don’t know my story, and I don’t want them to know, but they do have this idea of me having this perfect life. But do they know about the struggles that I had in my life? Do they know that I had to grow up when they still didn’t know how to cook an egg?

They don’t and they shouldn’t know.

But I am not somebody that shuts up easily. I could react and this could blow off in a way that I can’t control.

But on the other side, I learned how to let go, even if some people won’t believe me, I learned how to not pick a fight when someone wants to.

I have changed so much that a little part of me is proud of who I am and what I’ve overcome during all these years.

I got up after I literally touched rock bottom so I can achieve everything else in life. I am not afraid. I will fight with all my energy.

Can somebody have a life crisis at just 26 years old?

Long story short, back in my hometown I’ve never felt like I belonged there. I’ve always felt like something was missing, probably it was the fact that I’ve never truly done something for myself and myself only.

Then I decided to run away from those responsibilities and problems that a 20 years old can have and I moved to another country, where the language was a bigger barrier that I thought it would be. Even if English as always been my favourite subject back in high school (and the only year of university that I did), I was used to American accent (because of movies and tv shows) not about British accent. (Very big difference)
Anyway I overcome that language barrier and I made some of the best friends that I could ever met. Some of them I lost them in time, others stick around longer.
But the thing is, I was 21 and I felt like I was living! Even through heartbreaks and fights, through tick and thin, I had the best time of my life till I was 23. That year I felt like my all world went through a big black hole and it took me longer than I thought to recover. But I did.

Then I focus all my energy in a work that, at the end, consumed me and made me become somebody I wasn’t. So I had to change that. 

During that time, while I was trying to recover, I tried to focus on my future (I was 24 back then) and I saw all my dream shuttering down in small pieces that still, til now, I couldn’t/can’t recover.

My only big dream is secure in a locker of my mind and I have no idea where I put the key.
But now I am 26 and after almost 5 years that I took that big jump in my life, I feel like I have no clue what my life should be. 
And I know mainly the problem is that I’ve abandoned my big dream, plus you see all those people that you grew with, that seems to have life figure out somehow, or at least they have SOMETHING!!! 
And I am well aware that if you want something for yourself, you have to work your ass off. 

I do know that.

Trust me, I do more than a lot of people think.

But how do you come back to want to pursue a dream when you are closer to 30 and people will think that you will have your life figure out by then? I mean, I know in 4 year a lot can change. I believe in a minute a lot can change.

But at the end of the day, I am at a loss.

So I have to promise to myself that I don’t have to wait “the new year” that something can change now, right?
So my question is: is it possible to have a mid-mid-life crisis?


One Love Manchester

This morning, I woke up and I was still feeling amazed by the emotions that “One Love Manchester” concert gave to all of us yesterday night.

We are living in a really dark moment as I see it, still, that concert has been a light to remind us to not be scared to live.

The artists chose their songs carefully, they all had some kind of meaning or actually a new meaning.

From “Where is the love” that is an amazing song per se to “Strong” with the amazing change of lyric that Robbie Williams did to the super sweet duet between Miley Cyrus and Ariana Grande with “Don’t dream it’s over” to the Coldplay, that maybe I can’t be objective about this, but they always bring the best cause they truly sing their lyrics truly and believing in it to the amazing surprise that wasn’t what we were expecting but still amazing Liam Gallagher.

But let’s talk about Ariana Grande, she is 23, she is super famous and trust me I always thought her song was catchy but I never been a fan of her, but Ariana, after this concert and what you brought together, that for me wasn’t the name of the artists that were there, I won’t go technical to who can sing and who can’t, that doesn’t matter, it just important what you put together and it was unbelievable inspiring.

She is 23, she could have not care, she could have just done little but she did A LOT, she did something amazing.

Cause people think she is famous, so she didn’t feel the same of others but that is not true, I wanna remind everybody that she thought it was her fault if that terrorist attack happened, like she could have known, of course, it wasn’t her fault.

She did amazing, she brought so many artists together with such a short notice. And everybody was feeling loved and having fun.

Because this is what a concert is, a concert is a place where people get together to share a passion for music. For something that for sure makes their day better.

When she sang with the choir, I think we all lost it, those kids they had such a big dream come true after such a terrible accident.

This concert was beautiful, the people that were there showed so much grace and strength and fearless that was inspiring.

And let’s please talk about the police officers dancing with the kids, that was the best part of it.

Yesterday showed me exactly the reasons why I love this country, why everything that is trying to tear us down it won’t win.

I woke up inspired. Thanks, Ariana and the people at the concert to showed me what is courage and love.


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How do you start to love yourself?

I’ve been told that I need to love myself more. I’ve been repeated from people, billion of times, that I am worth more of what I think I really am worth. And maybe that’s true but how do I even know how to start to love myself. How should it work? Shall I just focus on what I do good and don’t focus on what I do bad? On the things that I achieve rather than the ones that I fail in?

This is what I was writing about it in this kind of journal that I have, after I’ve noticed that I didn’t write since February, I’ve taken a pen and started to write feelings out because I was feeling bad after a few weird days and words started to flow and from one page I wrote three full pages and from one subject to another, I ended up to talk about how I don’t know what should I do to love myself. Is this sad? Yes, I know. I’ve spent so much time disliking everything about me, from my body to my mind, from my weakness to my strength that I don’t remember when it was last time that I actually said to myself “hey you are cool”.

I always put others before me and this is what I am, I prefer others happiness rather than mine. If my friends and family are happy I don’t mind if I am depressed and hate myself. “Hate” is a big word. I don’t know if I really do hate myself, but for sure I am not happy but why? That’s what I wonder and I have a long list of reasons. I won’t bother you with those.

So what are the steps of starting to love yourself? Repeating in the mirror “you’re fabulous?”. (well I won’t do that)

We live in the era of social media and trust me I hate it, as much as I use it like a crazy person, I HATE IT. I’ve been thinking to get rid of all of them and I might be crazy enough to do it one of these days because at the end of the day we all scroll through other people’s fictional life (nobody posts their real life) and we all think what we are doing wrong with ours.

I’ve searched on Google, how to learn to love yourself, I am not ashamed of it, I need to start somehow but honestly, it doesn’t help does it? Most of the points are “eliminate negative thoughts”, well if it was that easy I won’t be looking on the internet, won’t I?

So, for whoever is reading this blog, I know I’ve been gone for a long time, please share your stories and tell me. I am willing to learn because things need to change around here and I hope this will help someone else who feels stuck like I do.

Sophia Bush said this past weekend “Self-love is not selfish”, well that’s a lesson that I need to learn for sure.



Script: Bus Scene

So let me give a bit of introduction to this: a few years ago, I took a Director’s course and we had a class about scripts and how to write them right etc. I left the class and I was straight away inspired, I wanted to write about something that I had in my mind for a long time and that I thought if I would have written it down, it would have changed the way I was feeling. So, this is called “Bus scene”, I would love to hear comments about it since it’s kinda personal and if you more or less wanna know what happened before this scene and after, maybe I’ll find the right inspiration to continue to write my story.

So well, hope you’ll like it. I remind you that NO ONE ever read this.

Out. Bus station. Late night.

Joy is with her two friends Sophie and Laurel waiting for the bus to come up. Even if she waited for Ben to leave, she finds him at the stations with another girl, so she hides behind the seats so that he won’t see her and her friends are with her.


Let’s stay here till he’ll get the bus.

Sophie nod. Joy can’t stop looking at him.


if you keep staring he will notice you.

Joy looked at Sophie furious about him, at the same time their bus approaches the station so they move forward to get it but the bus doesn’t stop and keeps straight.

Ben notice them and smile to Joy. She smiles back.


Missed it.



Then she moves to the seats and she sits down, Laurel and Sophie follow her. While she keeps staring him, Joy decides that it was the moment to approach him about their situation.


I am gonna talk to him


Do whatever you feel to do, but you can’t keep wondering.

Joy looks at Sophie and then stands up.


Sit down. Don’t waste your breath. He’s not worth it.

Joy sits down again.


She has to do it, she can’t keep going like this. And he is not gonna talk.

Joy stands up again. Laurel give her a bad look and then turn to look at the street. Joy, feeling brave, approaches Ben and interrupts a conversation with the blonde girl.


Ben, can I talk to you one second?

Ben gives her a caring look and nod.


Yes, of course.

They move next to the pub, that it was close at that time, behind the bus station. Joy takes a deep breathe and look directly at his eyes.


You know what do I wanna talk about?

Ben smile becomes concern


Yeah, I can imagine.


You know. [she pause] you know how I feel about you. You know. And you make me believe that you feel the same, but I need to be sure about it because you are not doing anything and I can’t wait forever. Do you feel something more?

Ben gives her a sad look


No- I do care about you but we are just friends. Nothing more.

Joy is hurt but she doesn’t wanna show to him


I understand.


I don’t wanna lose you a friend. I really care about you but not in that way.


Why didn’t you tell me before? Before you mad me believe-before people made me believe..


Which people?


Our group, people in the pub.

Joy is still putting a mask to not show him.


I – I don’t know what to say. I didn’t wanna talk because I was scared to lose you. You are one of my best friends here in London.

Ben looks at her really sad, so she keeps her mask and hugs him.


It’s fine. You won’t lose me. You are one my best friend too.


I don’t wanna hurt you.


Don’t worry about that. I am kinda used to.

Ben smiles and hugs her. She pulls off.


Are we okay?

Joy nods


I have to go now. See you tomorrow.

She starts to walk and go back to her friends


Please don’t hate me, Joy.

She turns to him and fake a smile


It’s impossible for me to hate you.

She goes back to Sophie and Laurel and sits next to them.


How did it go?

Joy looks at her and smile while she is trying not to cry


Let’s go home.

Ben goes back to his friend and turns and smiles at her while his bus is approaching.

Int JOY’S APARTMENT. Late night.

SOPHIE open the door. Joy and Sophie enter.


You were really brave

JOY in her mind thinks that brave didn’t bring her anywhere. She nods to Sophie. She goes to her room and sits on the bed. She wanted to be alone but her other two flatmates follow her. Brooke and Sam. Both brunette, tall and pretty girls. 20-something years old.


Hey, what happened?


What always happens.

Sophie looked at Joy and then Brooke


She talked to Ben


What did he say?


That we are just friends. Joy the girl that will always be friendzone.




That’s fine. I am used to right. Every time I like a guy he doesn’t like me back. It’s always the same old story. I will probably always be alone. I am not meant to be with anyone.


don’t be so hard on yourself.


He is a dickhead. That’s what he is. He always showed something more and now he says that you are friends. He is an idiot.

Joy smiles a bit.

Merry Christmas ya’ll : holiday tips

It’s that time of the year where you are excited but at the same time scared to have all the family reunited. These feelings will kill ya and you will stuff your face with food cause..DUH!

So let me give you some advices:

1- pack the things that you know you will use 100%
2- Put on your best (fake) smile, you will need it for all those annoying questions that you will get from the family: do you have a boyfriend? Are you getting married soon? What about kids?

3- Remember that life is short and that you should celebrate all the wonderful moments that you will have these days.
4- ALCOHOL WILL SAVE YOU THESE DAYS. If alcohol doesn’t work for you go for chocolate. 
5- IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR, that doesn’t last long. 


Hello people,

sorry for being out of the blog for the past two weeks almost. It’s Xmas time again and I am leaving soon for holidays, so a lot of things needs to be done.

Just to do a little recap of what I did:

I went to Winter Wonderland with some friends and I loved it. If you’re ever in London, in this time of the year, you MUST go to Hyde Park and see this fun park. Nothing tells you Christmas more than Winter Wonderland.

Then, I went from Oxford street to Stratford for the xmas presents and I finished them all. It’s the first time since forever that I finish the presents in time, way before I leave for holidays. So proud of me.

Anyway, I watched Gilmore Girls too, twice. I will write a review soon.

This is all for now,  I’ll try to prepare some blogs for the next week till the new year because I’ll be busy.