.. I am doing better than I ever was

There is this saying that when you are not gonna look for it, love will come to you.

Well, I am a hopeless romantic/cynic so it’s kinda hard for me not to dream or think about when I will meet that guy, that person that will sweep me off my feet.

I have just turned 27 a couple of months ago and I couldn’t be happier as my 26 years old were a rollercoaster of emotion.

Starting from the first months, where I would burst into tears out of nowhere, I have cried so many times in the tube that I cannot even count.

This brought me to go see a therapist after almost 9 years, I think, that I didn’t go to therapy.

Fair enough to say that my first session, I spent it 50 minutes crying, nonstop, that I thought that she would have thought that I was crazy or something.

I have kept steady from July to November, I was going once a week and a lot surface that I didn’t know about myself. Or better, I did know about it but my subconscious was keeping it under wrap.

However, I had to stop therapy because of life. It was November and I needed to move out from my current flat in a month time, so my stress was at high levels.

I was dealing with a new job and changing flats and leaving behind a very long friendship because, what I learned with the time and loads of heartbreaks, is that you can grow out of those people that you thought would have stuck with you, no matter what.

I have been through some tough times at the beginning of the year, lost some other friends in the between, thinking that it was my fault but at the end of the day, what I always think is that a friendship is made of 2 people.

Whatever about the negativity and the drama, I have moved house again and I will have to move again in September.

It will be stressful as Hell but I will get through it.

I always get through it. No matter what. I get to be strong because I have learned a long time ago to not be weak, not that there is anything bad in that but this is WHO I AM. And I am good with it.

During my 26 years old, I have decided to do a cleanse of my social media, because seeing everybody pretty (fake) life was killing my mental health. So last September, I have decided to deactivate all my accounts. I have come back to twitter just because of Taylor Swift announcing her tour but Twitter is different, people talk about everything, they don’t post pictures about their perfect life. People tend to be more honest and funny.

(and just come back to Instagram last week!)

My 27 years old came with the realisation that I am fine as I am. That there is always time to improve and change but I am good as I am.

I am finally happy even if people try to tear me down every day, they judge my look, the judge my body, they judge my attitude, they judge the words that I say. They judge everything but I came to the conclusion that you would never make everybody happy with all the things that I just wrote, people will always be there to tear you down. Especially, when you are genuinely happy.

Possibly, because something is not going as they want in their life.

I have learnt a lot in the past months. I have learnt a lot about how to deal with a situation that in past would have made me react in a different way.

I have learnt that it is so true, at the moment you get rid of those people that you think are toxic in your life, everything will turn around in the best way.

A good friend is someone that supports you and loves you. It’s not someone that wants to tear you down and point out to all the flaws that you have.

A good friend is someone that accept those flaws and tells you that you wouldn’t be you without it.

I am truly happy and I haven’t been truly happy for so long that it’s quite sad. Of course, I still have those days where I don’t wanna talk to anyone and my mind is pulling tricks it shouldn’t. But I am truly happy.

And it’s not just a happiness that I am “forcing myself into” because I let myself be.

If I have a day where I don’t wanna see anybody, I just don’t see anybody. If I feel down, I think that it’s okay, that means I am human. I have been numb in my life, a few years back, where I thought that “switch off” all the emotions was the easier solution, but it wasn’t. And it was so hard to come back to a regular life but I did it.

It’s not a happiness that I say to myself I MUST BE happy, I just am. I am genuinely happy and glad of the people that I have in my life right now.

I may have not found the love of my life. I may not have a special person in my life. I may have to move house once again. I may be forever broke.

 

But I haven’t felt more alive.

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