“When did we start letting boys dictate our happiness?”
Everything started I guess in primary school, I had my first boyfriend, if that’s how we can call it. But he cheated on me with my best friend during a gym class. So I had a pretty bad start with relationship, not like I am still thinking about that specific moment, I barely remember, I was way to little. Don’t even remember if we actually were together but the general plot is that one.
Anyway, for all my first 13/14 years of my life, I was kind of a boy-girl. Didn’t care about make up, didn’t care about dressing nice or wear the right shoes. For me going to school with a ponytail and gym suit was fine. Not a problem at all. Of course, I’ve been bullied because of that. Especially from boys. But I wasn’t scared of reacting, in fact that brought me to the principal office, first and only time in my life.
But it was when I was 14/15, when I was going to my first year in high school, that I started to like this guy. He wasn’t even going to school with me, he was from my group of friends. It was that guy that I knew from when I was little but I’ve never saw like more than a friend. Well, long story short, I liked him, probably fell in love with him, (yes, I think it’s possible to love someone even if you are not together) but he didn’t feel the same way. He thought that I was just a friend. And there it is my first “friendzone” situation.
Let’s skip all the drama moment that I had, when I was 16 and I thought that writing a blog and say bad things about that person was a cool thing to do and let my friends do it for me too. I was little, hurt, and didn’t know much about boys (not that I am a expert now!)
Well, for getting over this guys took me 2 year, plus the 2 years chasing him, let’s say that I waste a lot of time looking only him, for me there was no other boy that could have been like him.
Of course, during the two years that I spent trying to get over him, I had liked other guys, but one of them push me in the friendzone, even if he was flirty all the time. And the other, let’s say, that we went to a date and it lasted an hour. This can explain everything to you.
After those years, I’ve had two other crushes but I was too scared to tell them. Especially to one. (I still fancy him!)
My life went on and as much as my focus wasn’t only on boys, I was wasting load of time and energy on chasing them. When they never wanted me.
Then I’ve moved to London, to the rain city, to the city that never sleep. I thought that I’d have leave all my boys problems there, all my insecurity back to my home city, but they just showed up in the first moment that I liked a guy.
It took me 3 weeks and I had already this big, huge crush on this guy. He became one of my best friend too (till he left!), he was everything that I was looking for. And we were really close, that people thought that he felt the same way but when I confronted him, he, of course, rejected me.
He kept acting like more than a friend which it was confusing for me and at the end he just left, disappeared from my life. We kept in touch for a few months and then gone.
After him, I was bad, I was really frustrated. So I moved, I changed place of work and I’ve begin again.
It took me a few months to fell for another guy that this time tho, liked me back, or that’s what he made me think for two months. I was really happy, I felt great about myself, even if I’ve always felt like there was something wrong, in fact he ended things unexpected.
This happened with the start of the new year and the rest of it was really bad. Not only because of him, but that’s what I let a lot of people think. Because I don’t trust them enough to say what’s the real problem.
Let’s not get out of the point as always.
After that I felt like a 10000 cars pass me over. Or trains. Or whatever. I felt like shit. I felt hopeless, like I would never ever like somebody.
But I’ve changed job again and a new place, new people, I fell for a customer. He is the perfect guy. And when I’ve gave him my number, he didn’t do anything. Now, I am gonna start in a new store as a supervisor so I won’t see him again.
I’ve realise something, I’ve spent so much time, waiting, chasing, wanting guys that used me or didn’t want me.
I am tired to waste all this time. People says that you need the other person because you are gonna be alone without.
Well, they are wrong, yes, it’ll be lonely sometimes, especially when all your girlfriends have a boyfriend but I am not alone, I’ve got my family, my friends and most important I have me.
Why should I waste time looking for that perfect love that more you look for it more it won’t come? Why should I keep crying because I’ve actually tried?
I have to start to focus on myself and my future. If meanwhile, that guy that wants me will come along, I am gonna be happy to try. But I am done with chasing. I am really tired about that. Gotta focus on other things. Things that I didn’t focus on in the past 9/10 years.
“We’re all bored, we’re all so tired of everything
We wait for trains that just aren’t coming
We show off our different scarlet letters
Trust me, mine is better
We’re so young but we’re on the road to ruin
We play dumb but we know exactly what we’re doing
We cry tears of mascara in the bathroom
Honey, life is just a classroom”