“when I was drowning that’s when I could finally breathe”
I’ve had the two most awful days. Everything started on the 31st October, that was a really bad day, for loads of reasons, it started bad, then in my mind came what I was doing the year before and how I was feeling in that time of the year, because saying that I was happy doesn’t describe exactly what I was feeling. In that moment, I was feeling like, finally, I had my world fixed. I had everything that I wanted and I felt like I was belonging to someone, to somewhere.
But then, this year (geez I can’t wait for 2015 to come here!), I woke up and even if it was a payday, I was without money anyway, and I have to go through a full month with these money.
So my world crushed down completely and everything that I was feeling and I felt in the past months came all in once and I’ve started sobbing completely.
I am so thankful for my family. I haven’t been ever that close to them like I have been since I was here.
I’ve talked to my sister first on friday and I feel bad because I am not that kind of person that goes to somebody and tell all that she feels and what’s wrong and waiting for you to fix it. No, I prefer to deal with my own problems by myself. I don’t let anybody in, especially this year.
I don’t trust people, but not because I don’t want to, it’s something under my skin that I can’t get off of it.
Anyway, yesterday after my 9th day of work, I went to St. James Park and I took a walk. The originally idea was to clear my head and find a solution to everything but at the end, I finished to talk at the phone with my parents for a hour circa.
And at the beginning, we were just catching up on some things and then my mom asked me how was the money situation, and I’ve started to cry in the middle of the park while I was watching a breathtaking twilight.
And as usual, in that moment, my dad took the conversation. You know, I love my mom, but she has my same character, we are the same, we love so much everybody, we are stubborn, we think almost the same on everything.
But then I have my dad part, the “I don’t care what people say about me and my family”, and the calm part, my dad is definitely the most calm person that I’ve ever known in my life. I saw him angry just a few times in 23 years. So he has this power on that part of me, that makes me calm, and makes me think rationally.
Since I have landed here in London, people made me feel bad, if my parents where helping me financially, they told me things like:
“I don’t have my parents that helps me”
“Anyway, you parents gives you money right? So you can afford it!”
“I don’t wanna ask money to my parents”
Like they know my situation, like they know my parents, and maybe they think that they wanna spoil me. No, they never spoiled me. Everything that I wanted in my life, I had to earned it. They make me presents because that’s what you do when you love somebody and you care about them.
They help me financially, and we are not talking about numbers, because they believe in me, they want me to believe in myself and to find my way.
They are so proud of me being here. Trying to grow up.
Our family went through so much shit that people would give us pity if we tell them, but we don’t want to. I don’t want to.
Here in London, just a few people knows my big family problem, that it’s not even a problem anymore, we live with it.
So I let people judge for what they want.
In the last month, I’ve been judge to be stupid, with some mental issues and to be childish. Everything just from a person that knew me for three months.
He felt to have the freedom to judge without even know me. Just because I have a strong character, and I am not a “girl girlie” that goes “Oh my god. You broke my nail what I am gonna do of my life now.”
But that was just something useless that a stranger said to me. But somehow, even that went under my skin and as soon as I told it to one of my best friend, he told me “people that loves you, loves you for who you are. And they know how you really are.”
That’s why I still didn’t gave up, even if I thought about it the other day. Just fuck everything and everybody. In a serious way tho. Nobody knows about this. Just me. And now, whoever is gonna read this.
But then I thought about the people in my life and they give me strength, always. Then I did what I do best, I’ve hold on to a song.
Taylor Swift’s new album is here and there is a song that I’ve already knew it’d help me, somehow, even before listening to it: Clean.
This song is absolutely stunning and I couldn’t understand how can she describe that when you reach the bottom, you can finally breathe. Now I can.
I’ve been pretty unlucky in the past year, every month I had a bad thing that happened. And now I’ve had the last drop.
I have to fight again, will I have the strength to do it? Will I be able to overcome all these difficulties and live my past behind?
a fighter who doesn’t give up easily on people and world.