.. I am doing better than I ever was

There is this saying that when you are not gonna look for it, love will come to you.

Well, I am a hopeless romantic/cynic so it’s kinda hard for me not to dream or think about when I will meet that guy, that person that will sweep me off my feet.

I have just turned 27 a couple of months ago and I couldn’t be happier as my 26 years old were a rollercoaster of emotion.

Starting from the first months, where I would burst into tears out of nowhere, I have cried so many times in the tube that I cannot even count.

This brought me to go see a therapist after almost 9 years, I think, that I didn’t go to therapy.

Fair enough to say that my first session, I spent it 50 minutes crying, nonstop, that I thought that she would have thought that I was crazy or something.

I have kept steady from July to November, I was going once a week and a lot surface that I didn’t know about myself. Or better, I did know about it but my subconscious was keeping it under wrap.

However, I had to stop therapy because of life. It was November and I needed to move out from my current flat in a month time, so my stress was at high levels.

I was dealing with a new job and changing flats and leaving behind a very long friendship because, what I learned with the time and loads of heartbreaks, is that you can grow out of those people that you thought would have stuck with you, no matter what.

I have been through some tough times at the beginning of the year, lost some other friends in the between, thinking that it was my fault but at the end of the day, what I always think is that a friendship is made of 2 people.

Whatever about the negativity and the drama, I have moved house again and I will have to move again in September.

It will be stressful as Hell but I will get through it.

I always get through it. No matter what. I get to be strong because I have learned a long time ago to not be weak, not that there is anything bad in that but this is WHO I AM. And I am good with it.

During my 26 years old, I have decided to do a cleanse of my social media, because seeing everybody pretty (fake) life was killing my mental health. So last September, I have decided to deactivate all my accounts. I have come back to twitter just because of Taylor Swift announcing her tour but Twitter is different, people talk about everything, they don’t post pictures about their perfect life. People tend to be more honest and funny.

(and just come back to Instagram last week!)

My 27 years old came with the realisation that I am fine as I am. That there is always time to improve and change but I am good as I am.

I am finally happy even if people try to tear me down every day, they judge my look, the judge my body, they judge my attitude, they judge the words that I say. They judge everything but I came to the conclusion that you would never make everybody happy with all the things that I just wrote, people will always be there to tear you down. Especially, when you are genuinely happy.

Possibly, because something is not going as they want in their life.

I have learnt a lot in the past months. I have learnt a lot about how to deal with a situation that in past would have made me react in a different way.

I have learnt that it is so true, at the moment you get rid of those people that you think are toxic in your life, everything will turn around in the best way.

A good friend is someone that supports you and loves you. It’s not someone that wants to tear you down and point out to all the flaws that you have.

A good friend is someone that accept those flaws and tells you that you wouldn’t be you without it.

I am truly happy and I haven’t been truly happy for so long that it’s quite sad. Of course, I still have those days where I don’t wanna talk to anyone and my mind is pulling tricks it shouldn’t. But I am truly happy.

And it’s not just a happiness that I am “forcing myself into” because I let myself be.

If I have a day where I don’t wanna see anybody, I just don’t see anybody. If I feel down, I think that it’s okay, that means I am human. I have been numb in my life, a few years back, where I thought that “switch off” all the emotions was the easier solution, but it wasn’t. And it was so hard to come back to a regular life but I did it.

It’s not a happiness that I say to myself I MUST BE happy, I just am. I am genuinely happy and glad of the people that I have in my life right now.

I may have not found the love of my life. I may not have a special person in my life. I may have to move house once again. I may be forever broke.


But I haven’t felt more alive.

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Suprise, Bitch

It’s been months that I wanted to write a few blog posts. I have so many ideas in my mind, however, I felt like I have never had the time to write down when I was actually inspired.

I will prepare all post now and they will go live once a week I guess. I really miss writing, that has always been a passion of mine and I have never cared if someone was reading or not. I just wanted to write and if someone was getting inspired by my story, well, that’d have been great

Thoughts all over the place #2

Some people are here just to judge. But they don’t know that if I watch myself in the mirror and I don’t hate anymore the face staring at me, it’s a big achievement.

They don’t know that if they start to put me in the center of attention, I’ve learned how to not let my anxiety overcome (not always).

They don’t know that I might feel lonely more than they do.

They don’t know that after 5 years, I still am sometimes overwhelmed on speaking a language that is not mine.

Most of the people don’t know my story, and I don’t want them to know, but they do have this idea of me having this perfect life. But do they know about the struggles that I had in my life? Do they know that I had to grow up when they still didn’t know how to cook an egg?

They don’t and they shouldn’t know.

But I am not somebody that shuts up easily. I could react and this could blow off in a way that I can’t control.

But on the other side, I learned how to let go, even if some people won’t believe me, I learned how to not pick a fight when someone wants to.

I have changed so much that a little part of me is proud of who I am and what I’ve overcome during all these years.

I got up after I literally touched rock bottom so I can achieve everything else in life. I am not afraid. I will fight with all my energy.

Can somebody have a life crisis at just 26 years old?

Long story short, back in my hometown I’ve never felt like I belonged there. I’ve always felt like something was missing, probably it was the fact that I’ve never truly done something for myself and myself only.

Then I decided to run away from those responsibilities and problems that a 20 years old can have and I moved to another country, where the language was a bigger barrier that I thought it would be. Even if English as always been my favourite subject back in high school (and the only year of university that I did), I was used to American accent (because of movies and tv shows) not about British accent. (Very big difference)
Anyway I overcome that language barrier and I made some of the best friends that I could ever met. Some of them I lost them in time, others stick around longer.
But the thing is, I was 21 and I felt like I was living! Even through heartbreaks and fights, through tick and thin, I had the best time of my life till I was 23. That year I felt like my all world went through a big black hole and it took me longer than I thought to recover. But I did.

Then I focus all my energy in a work that, at the end, consumed me and made me become somebody I wasn’t. So I had to change that. 

During that time, while I was trying to recover, I tried to focus on my future (I was 24 back then) and I saw all my dream shuttering down in small pieces that still, til now, I couldn’t/can’t recover.

My only big dream is secure in a locker of my mind and I have no idea where I put the key.
But now I am 26 and after almost 5 years that I took that big jump in my life, I feel like I have no clue what my life should be. 
And I know mainly the problem is that I’ve abandoned my big dream, plus you see all those people that you grew with, that seems to have life figure out somehow, or at least they have SOMETHING!!! 
And I am well aware that if you want something for yourself, you have to work your ass off. 

I do know that.

Trust me, I do more than a lot of people think.

But how do you come back to want to pursue a dream when you are closer to 30 and people will think that you will have your life figure out by then? I mean, I know in 4 year a lot can change. I believe in a minute a lot can change.

But at the end of the day, I am at a loss.

So I have to promise to myself that I don’t have to wait “the new year” that something can change now, right?
So my question is: is it possible to have a mid-mid-life crisis?


Thoughts all over the place

I was gonna go write in my little journal where I haven’t written since July for obvious reasons but I thought why not writing here….

I’ve been thinking a lot about this past year and how fast is going and how I wished, for the billion time, that this would have been my year.

Yes, I know. The year is not finished yet but when I reach a bit of happiness, I feel like I am gonna auto-sabotage myself.

A few weeks ago, I thought I reached some kind of stability in my life, in my mental health but nope. Of course, I haven’t.

I have decided a week ago to delete every single social media that I have, why? Because the story is simple, I am tired of seeing people amazing “fake” life while I am, yet again, in another struggle with the not highlight of my life to show. (Apart from food and binge-watching TV-shows)

But at the end of the day, I have at least stopped waiting for people to fix my life, that’s why I am struggling more than ever cause I force and push myself to the max and this sometimes tears me apart.

I don’t know what it’s gonna happen next, I just know that I am getting tired of life kicking my ass every single damn time.



A erfeclac

Social Network cleanse

Well, hello.

I know, I’ve disappeared again. A lot has happened, a lot has changed, I have changed.

But I’ve got to that point again, that awful point where I am my social network. My phone’s battery dies so early just because I am scrolling too much. I am living behind a screen but not in the real life.

I need a cleanse. So I’ve deactivated my Facebook. I wanted to deactivate my Twitter too but apparently, it would be deleted after 30 days and it’s been too long that I have it, a lot of good memories that I don’t want to be gone completely.

I wanted to deactivate my Twitter too but apparently, it would be deleted after 30 days and it’s been too long that I have it, a lot of good memories that I don’t want to be gone completely. So I deleted the app from my phone and tablet.

I don’t know how to deactivate Instagram but as well I am pretty sure they will delete it too, after a while. It won’t be the first time that I delete my Instagram account tho. I deleted the app tho.

I had enough. I had a shitty weekend and this is the result from it, so who really cares about me, will text me.

For the rest, see you in the new year.


One Love Manchester

This morning, I woke up and I was still feeling amazed by the emotions that “One Love Manchester” concert gave to all of us yesterday night.

We are living in a really dark moment as I see it, still, that concert has been a light to remind us to not be scared to live.

The artists chose their songs carefully, they all had some kind of meaning or actually a new meaning.

From “Where is the love” that is an amazing song per se to “Strong” with the amazing change of lyric that Robbie Williams did to the super sweet duet between Miley Cyrus and Ariana Grande with “Don’t dream it’s over” to the Coldplay, that maybe I can’t be objective about this, but they always bring the best cause they truly sing their lyrics truly and believing in it to the amazing surprise that wasn’t what we were expecting but still amazing Liam Gallagher.

But let’s talk about Ariana Grande, she is 23, she is super famous and trust me I always thought her song was catchy but I never been a fan of her, but Ariana, after this concert and what you brought together, that for me wasn’t the name of the artists that were there, I won’t go technical to who can sing and who can’t, that doesn’t matter, it just important what you put together and it was unbelievable inspiring.

She is 23, she could have not care, she could have just done little but she did A LOT, she did something amazing.

Cause people think she is famous, so she didn’t feel the same of others but that is not true, I wanna remind everybody that she thought it was her fault if that terrorist attack happened, like she could have known, of course, it wasn’t her fault.

She did amazing, she brought so many artists together with such a short notice. And everybody was feeling loved and having fun.

Because this is what a concert is, a concert is a place where people get together to share a passion for music. For something that for sure makes their day better.

When she sang with the choir, I think we all lost it, those kids they had such a big dream come true after such a terrible accident.

This concert was beautiful, the people that were there showed so much grace and strength and fearless that was inspiring.

And let’s please talk about the police officers dancing with the kids, that was the best part of it.

Yesterday showed me exactly the reasons why I love this country, why everything that is trying to tear us down it won’t win.

I woke up inspired. Thanks, Ariana and the people at the concert to showed me what is courage and love.


Please donate whatever you can here: https://beta.redcross.org.uk/appeal/manchester-emergency-fund-concert

here you can buy and donate: https://uk.onelovemanchestershop.com/

How do you start to love yourself?

I’ve been told that I need to love myself more. I’ve been repeated from people, billion of times, that I am worth more of what I think I really am worth. And maybe that’s true but how do I even know how to start to love myself. How should it work? Shall I just focus on what I do good and don’t focus on what I do bad? On the things that I achieve rather than the ones that I fail in?

This is what I was writing about it in this kind of journal that I have, after I’ve noticed that I didn’t write since February, I’ve taken a pen and started to write feelings out because I was feeling bad after a few weird days and words started to flow and from one page I wrote three full pages and from one subject to another, I ended up to talk about how I don’t know what should I do to love myself. Is this sad? Yes, I know. I’ve spent so much time disliking everything about me, from my body to my mind, from my weakness to my strength that I don’t remember when it was last time that I actually said to myself “hey you are cool”.

I always put others before me and this is what I am, I prefer others happiness rather than mine. If my friends and family are happy I don’t mind if I am depressed and hate myself. “Hate” is a big word. I don’t know if I really do hate myself, but for sure I am not happy but why? That’s what I wonder and I have a long list of reasons. I won’t bother you with those.

So what are the steps of starting to love yourself? Repeating in the mirror “you’re fabulous?”. (well I won’t do that)

We live in the era of social media and trust me I hate it, as much as I use it like a crazy person, I HATE IT. I’ve been thinking to get rid of all of them and I might be crazy enough to do it one of these days because at the end of the day we all scroll through other people’s fictional life (nobody posts their real life) and we all think what we are doing wrong with ours.

I’ve searched on Google, how to learn to love yourself, I am not ashamed of it, I need to start somehow but honestly, it doesn’t help does it? Most of the points are “eliminate negative thoughts”, well if it was that easy I won’t be looking on the internet, won’t I?

So, for whoever is reading this blog, I know I’ve been gone for a long time, please share your stories and tell me. I am willing to learn because things need to change around here and I hope this will help someone else who feels stuck like I do.

Sophia Bush said this past weekend “Self-love is not selfish”, well that’s a lesson that I need to learn for sure.



Script: Bus Scene

So let me give a bit of introduction to this: a few years ago, I took a Director’s course and we had a class about scripts and how to write them right etc. I left the class and I was straight away inspired, I wanted to write about something that I had in my mind for a long time and that I thought if I would have written it down, it would have changed the way I was feeling. So, this is called “Bus scene”, I would love to hear comments about it since it’s kinda personal and if you more or less wanna know what happened before this scene and after, maybe I’ll find the right inspiration to continue to write my story.

So well, hope you’ll like it. I remind you that NO ONE ever read this.

Out. Bus station. Late night.

Joy is with her two friends Sophie and Laurel waiting for the bus to come up. Even if she waited for Ben to leave, she finds him at the stations with another girl, so she hides behind the seats so that he won’t see her and her friends are with her.


Let’s stay here till he’ll get the bus.

Sophie nod. Joy can’t stop looking at him.


if you keep staring he will notice you.

Joy looked at Sophie furious about him, at the same time their bus approaches the station so they move forward to get it but the bus doesn’t stop and keeps straight.

Ben notice them and smile to Joy. She smiles back.


Missed it.



Then she moves to the seats and she sits down, Laurel and Sophie follow her. While she keeps staring him, Joy decides that it was the moment to approach him about their situation.


I am gonna talk to him


Do whatever you feel to do, but you can’t keep wondering.

Joy looks at Sophie and then stands up.


Sit down. Don’t waste your breath. He’s not worth it.

Joy sits down again.


She has to do it, she can’t keep going like this. And he is not gonna talk.

Joy stands up again. Laurel give her a bad look and then turn to look at the street. Joy, feeling brave, approaches Ben and interrupts a conversation with the blonde girl.


Ben, can I talk to you one second?

Ben gives her a caring look and nod.


Yes, of course.

They move next to the pub, that it was close at that time, behind the bus station. Joy takes a deep breathe and look directly at his eyes.


You know what do I wanna talk about?

Ben smile becomes concern


Yeah, I can imagine.


You know. [she pause] you know how I feel about you. You know. And you make me believe that you feel the same, but I need to be sure about it because you are not doing anything and I can’t wait forever. Do you feel something more?

Ben gives her a sad look


No- I do care about you but we are just friends. Nothing more.

Joy is hurt but she doesn’t wanna show to him


I understand.


I don’t wanna lose you a friend. I really care about you but not in that way.


Why didn’t you tell me before? Before you mad me believe-before people made me believe..


Which people?


Our group, people in the pub.

Joy is still putting a mask to not show him.


I – I don’t know what to say. I didn’t wanna talk because I was scared to lose you. You are one of my best friends here in London.

Ben looks at her really sad, so she keeps her mask and hugs him.


It’s fine. You won’t lose me. You are one my best friend too.


I don’t wanna hurt you.


Don’t worry about that. I am kinda used to.

Ben smiles and hugs her. She pulls off.


Are we okay?

Joy nods


I have to go now. See you tomorrow.

She starts to walk and go back to her friends


Please don’t hate me, Joy.

She turns to him and fake a smile


It’s impossible for me to hate you.

She goes back to Sophie and Laurel and sits next to them.


How did it go?

Joy looks at her and smile while she is trying not to cry


Let’s go home.

Ben goes back to his friend and turns and smiles at her while his bus is approaching.

Int JOY’S APARTMENT. Late night.

SOPHIE open the door. Joy and Sophie enter.


You were really brave

JOY in her mind thinks that brave didn’t bring her anywhere. She nods to Sophie. She goes to her room and sits on the bed. She wanted to be alone but her other two flatmates follow her. Brooke and Sam. Both brunette, tall and pretty girls. 20-something years old.


Hey, what happened?


What always happens.

Sophie looked at Joy and then Brooke


She talked to Ben


What did he say?


That we are just friends. Joy the girl that will always be friendzone.




That’s fine. I am used to right. Every time I like a guy he doesn’t like me back. It’s always the same old story. I will probably always be alone. I am not meant to be with anyone.


don’t be so hard on yourself.


He is a dickhead. That’s what he is. He always showed something more and now he says that you are friends. He is an idiot.

Joy smiles a bit.

Ed Sheeran:÷

Ed Sheeran is a genius so hate on you if you don’t like his last album.

Honestly, there might be one or two songs that aren’t the best but in the complex, it’s such a great freaking album.

I have so many favs (except Shape of You and Castle on the hill)

Supermarket Flowers: this is such a raw, emotional song. For who doesn’t know, Ed wrote this song straight after her grandma passed away. And you can hear the emotion in his voice. But just the lyrics are so amazing: “ I hope that I see the world as you did cause I know a life with love is a life that’s been lived”

This song is making the whole world cry. And fun fact, he wrote it from his mum POV.

Save Myself: this is so personal to me, why? Cause when you gave yourself to every single person in your life, out of selfless, just cause you are made like that, you would expect that they would do the same. But of course, it never actually happens. So you need to start to learn how to save yourself from the outside world before saving others. The last three sentences are the best, they give me chills all the time and the first time I heard the song, I had wide eyes and I smiled: “So before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself. And before I blame someone else, I’ve got to save myself. And before I love someone else, I’ve got to love myself.”

New Man: this song is so good because it’s exactly how everybody feels when someone that you used to be with, find someone else and this person text you back?! Wait, what? Well, I like the beat of this song and the story per se. The moment when you see someone that you know very well changing because of the new person in their life.
The lyric that I love from this song: “I am just keeping it real, still looking at your Instagram and I’ll be creeping a little. I’ll be trying not to double tap, from way back, cause I know that’s where the trouble’s at”


Galway Girl, Dive, Happier, What Do I know, Perfect, Barcelona, BiBia Be Ye Ye (Everything will be alright), How Would You Feel.unnamed

I am honestly falling for one different song every day. Today was Dive cause it kinda explains a situation that is going on in my life at the moment.

Anyway, if you haven’t listened to it yet, WHAT ARE YOU DOING READING THIS? GO, MATE. GOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!