.. I am doing better than I ever was

There is this saying that when you are not gonna look for it, love will come to you.

Well, I am a hopeless romantic/cynic so it’s kinda hard for me not to dream or think about when I will meet that guy, that person that will sweep me off my feet.

I have just turned 27 a couple of months ago and I couldn’t be happier as my 26 years old were a rollercoaster of emotion.

Starting from the first months, where I would burst into tears out of nowhere, I have cried so many times in the tube that I cannot even count.

This brought me to go see a therapist after almost 9 years, I think, that I didn’t go to therapy.

Fair enough to say that my first session, I spent it 50 minutes crying, nonstop, that I thought that she would have thought that I was crazy or something.

I have kept steady from July to November, I was going once a week and a lot surface that I didn’t know about myself. Or better, I did know about it but my subconscious was keeping it under wrap.

However, I had to stop therapy because of life. It was November and I needed to move out from my current flat in a month time, so my stress was at high levels.

I was dealing with a new job and changing flats and leaving behind a very long friendship because, what I learned with the time and loads of heartbreaks, is that you can grow out of those people that you thought would have stuck with you, no matter what.

I have been through some tough times at the beginning of the year, lost some other friends in the between, thinking that it was my fault but at the end of the day, what I always think is that a friendship is made of 2 people.

Whatever about the negativity and the drama, I have moved house again and I will have to move again in September.

It will be stressful as Hell but I will get through it.

I always get through it. No matter what. I get to be strong because I have learned a long time ago to not be weak, not that there is anything bad in that but this is WHO I AM. And I am good with it.

During my 26 years old, I have decided to do a cleanse of my social media, because seeing everybody pretty (fake) life was killing my mental health. So last September, I have decided to deactivate all my accounts. I have come back to twitter just because of Taylor Swift announcing her tour but Twitter is different, people talk about everything, they don’t post pictures about their perfect life. People tend to be more honest and funny.

(and just come back to Instagram last week!)

My 27 years old came with the realisation that I am fine as I am. That there is always time to improve and change but I am good as I am.

I am finally happy even if people try to tear me down every day, they judge my look, the judge my body, they judge my attitude, they judge the words that I say. They judge everything but I came to the conclusion that you would never make everybody happy with all the things that I just wrote, people will always be there to tear you down. Especially, when you are genuinely happy.

Possibly, because something is not going as they want in their life.

I have learnt a lot in the past months. I have learnt a lot about how to deal with a situation that in past would have made me react in a different way.

I have learnt that it is so true, at the moment you get rid of those people that you think are toxic in your life, everything will turn around in the best way.

A good friend is someone that supports you and loves you. It’s not someone that wants to tear you down and point out to all the flaws that you have.

A good friend is someone that accept those flaws and tells you that you wouldn’t be you without it.

I am truly happy and I haven’t been truly happy for so long that it’s quite sad. Of course, I still have those days where I don’t wanna talk to anyone and my mind is pulling tricks it shouldn’t. But I am truly happy.

And it’s not just a happiness that I am “forcing myself into” because I let myself be.

If I have a day where I don’t wanna see anybody, I just don’t see anybody. If I feel down, I think that it’s okay, that means I am human. I have been numb in my life, a few years back, where I thought that “switch off” all the emotions was the easier solution, but it wasn’t. And it was so hard to come back to a regular life but I did it.

It’s not a happiness that I say to myself I MUST BE happy, I just am. I am genuinely happy and glad of the people that I have in my life right now.

I may have not found the love of my life. I may not have a special person in my life. I may have to move house once again. I may be forever broke.

 

But I haven’t felt more alive.

Suprise, Bitch

It’s been months that I wanted to write a few blog posts. I have so many ideas in my mind, however, I felt like I have never had the time to write down when I was actually inspired.

I will prepare all post now and they will go live once a week I guess. I really miss writing, that has always been a passion of mine and I have never cared if someone was reading or not. I just wanted to write and if someone was getting inspired by my story, well, that’d have been great

Thoughts all over the place #2

Some people are here just to judge. But they don’t know that if I watch myself in the mirror and I don’t hate anymore the face staring at me, it’s a big achievement.

They don’t know that if they start to put me in the center of attention, I’ve learned how to not let my anxiety overcome (not always).

They don’t know that I might feel lonely more than they do.

They don’t know that after 5 years, I still am sometimes overwhelmed on speaking a language that is not mine.

Most of the people don’t know my story, and I don’t want them to know, but they do have this idea of me having this perfect life. But do they know about the struggles that I had in my life? Do they know that I had to grow up when they still didn’t know how to cook an egg?

They don’t and they shouldn’t know.

But I am not somebody that shuts up easily. I could react and this could blow off in a way that I can’t control.

But on the other side, I learned how to let go, even if some people won’t believe me, I learned how to not pick a fight when someone wants to.

I have changed so much that a little part of me is proud of who I am and what I’ve overcome during all these years.

I got up after I literally touched rock bottom so I can achieve everything else in life. I am not afraid. I will fight with all my energy.

Can somebody have a life crisis at just 26 years old?

Long story short, back in my hometown I’ve never felt like I belonged there. I’ve always felt like something was missing, probably it was the fact that I’ve never truly done something for myself and myself only.

Then I decided to run away from those responsibilities and problems that a 20 years old can have and I moved to another country, where the language was a bigger barrier that I thought it would be. Even if English as always been my favourite subject back in high school (and the only year of university that I did), I was used to American accent (because of movies and tv shows) not about British accent. (Very big difference)
Anyway I overcome that language barrier and I made some of the best friends that I could ever met. Some of them I lost them in time, others stick around longer.
But the thing is, I was 21 and I felt like I was living! Even through heartbreaks and fights, through tick and thin, I had the best time of my life till I was 23. That year I felt like my all world went through a big black hole and it took me longer than I thought to recover. But I did.

Then I focus all my energy in a work that, at the end, consumed me and made me become somebody I wasn’t. So I had to change that. 

During that time, while I was trying to recover, I tried to focus on my future (I was 24 back then) and I saw all my dream shuttering down in small pieces that still, til now, I couldn’t/can’t recover.

My only big dream is secure in a locker of my mind and I have no idea where I put the key.
But now I am 26 and after almost 5 years that I took that big jump in my life, I feel like I have no clue what my life should be. 
And I know mainly the problem is that I’ve abandoned my big dream, plus you see all those people that you grew with, that seems to have life figure out somehow, or at least they have SOMETHING!!! 
And I am well aware that if you want something for yourself, you have to work your ass off. 

I do know that.

Trust me, I do more than a lot of people think.

But how do you come back to want to pursue a dream when you are closer to 30 and people will think that you will have your life figure out by then? I mean, I know in 4 year a lot can change. I believe in a minute a lot can change.

But at the end of the day, I am at a loss.

So I have to promise to myself that I don’t have to wait “the new year” that something can change now, right?
So my question is: is it possible to have a mid-mid-life crisis?

Francesca

Thoughts all over the place

I was gonna go write in my little journal where I haven’t written since July for obvious reasons but I thought why not writing here….

I’ve been thinking a lot about this past year and how fast is going and how I wished, for the billion time, that this would have been my year.


Yes, I know. The year is not finished yet but when I reach a bit of happiness, I feel like I am gonna auto-sabotage myself.

A few weeks ago, I thought I reached some kind of stability in my life, in my mental health but nope. Of course, I haven’t.

I have decided a week ago to delete every single social media that I have, why? Because the story is simple, I am tired of seeing people amazing “fake” life while I am, yet again, in another struggle with the not highlight of my life to show. (Apart from food and binge-watching TV-shows)

But at the end of the day, I have at least stopped waiting for people to fix my life, that’s why I am struggling more than ever cause I force and push myself to the max and this sometimes tears me apart.

I don’t know what it’s gonna happen next, I just know that I am getting tired of life kicking my ass every single damn time.

 

 

A erfeclac

Social Network cleanse

Well, hello.

I know, I’ve disappeared again. A lot has happened, a lot has changed, I have changed.

But I’ve got to that point again, that awful point where I am my social network. My phone’s battery dies so early just because I am scrolling too much. I am living behind a screen but not in the real life.

I need a cleanse. So I’ve deactivated my Facebook. I wanted to deactivate my Twitter too but apparently, it would be deleted after 30 days and it’s been too long that I have it, a lot of good memories that I don’t want to be gone completely.

I wanted to deactivate my Twitter too but apparently, it would be deleted after 30 days and it’s been too long that I have it, a lot of good memories that I don’t want to be gone completely. So I deleted the app from my phone and tablet.

I don’t know how to deactivate Instagram but as well I am pretty sure they will delete it too, after a while. It won’t be the first time that I delete my Instagram account tho. I deleted the app tho.

I had enough. I had a shitty weekend and this is the result from it, so who really cares about me, will text me.

For the rest, see you in the new year.

Francesca

One Love Manchester

This morning, I woke up and I was still feeling amazed by the emotions that “One Love Manchester” concert gave to all of us yesterday night.

We are living in a really dark moment as I see it, still, that concert has been a light to remind us to not be scared to live.

The artists chose their songs carefully, they all had some kind of meaning or actually a new meaning.

From “Where is the love” that is an amazing song per se to “Strong” with the amazing change of lyric that Robbie Williams did to the super sweet duet between Miley Cyrus and Ariana Grande with “Don’t dream it’s over” to the Coldplay, that maybe I can’t be objective about this, but they always bring the best cause they truly sing their lyrics truly and believing in it to the amazing surprise that wasn’t what we were expecting but still amazing Liam Gallagher.

But let’s talk about Ariana Grande, she is 23, she is super famous and trust me I always thought her song was catchy but I never been a fan of her, but Ariana, after this concert and what you brought together, that for me wasn’t the name of the artists that were there, I won’t go technical to who can sing and who can’t, that doesn’t matter, it just important what you put together and it was unbelievable inspiring.

She is 23, she could have not care, she could have just done little but she did A LOT, she did something amazing.

Cause people think she is famous, so she didn’t feel the same of others but that is not true, I wanna remind everybody that she thought it was her fault if that terrorist attack happened, like she could have known, of course, it wasn’t her fault.

She did amazing, she brought so many artists together with such a short notice. And everybody was feeling loved and having fun.

Because this is what a concert is, a concert is a place where people get together to share a passion for music. For something that for sure makes their day better.

When she sang with the choir, I think we all lost it, those kids they had such a big dream come true after such a terrible accident.

This concert was beautiful, the people that were there showed so much grace and strength and fearless that was inspiring.

And let’s please talk about the police officers dancing with the kids, that was the best part of it.

Yesterday showed me exactly the reasons why I love this country, why everything that is trying to tear us down it won’t win.

I woke up inspired. Thanks, Ariana and the people at the concert to showed me what is courage and love.

Love,
Francesca

Please donate whatever you can here: https://beta.redcross.org.uk/appeal/manchester-emergency-fund-concert

here you can buy and donate: https://uk.onelovemanchestershop.com/